I had the most incredible weekend, filled with friends, family and fun. Including, but not limited to a surprise party (for ME!!!!) a birthday party for my fave 1 year old, a baby shower, and a bucket of ice water on my head! We will recap all of that tomorrow though. Today has a whole other reason for being here……
Have you ever had a dream where you are mad at yourself for waking up??
At exactly 2:34 this morning, I woke up from the most amazing and intensely bittersweet dream in my 30 years of living. Well actually, I guess it was 2:19am…OCD here has her clock set 15 minutes fast. Anyways, I feel like I have been waiting for a dream like this for years. Roughly 2 years and 4 months actually. In April 2012, one of my best friends passed away after having heart troubles for a couple years. He had been in and out of the hospital numerous times. Justin was incredible. (btw..if you read that blog, please ignore the mumbo jumbo about a ‘husband’ and mentally read that word as “DBE”) I honestly cannot imagine my life without him having been in it. He could make you laugh and cry in the same sentence and would be there instantly to dry your tears. He loved harder than anyone I know and cared more about his friends that most can fathom.
There are many people that have mentioned dreaming of Justin, or even having dreams where he made an appearance. I was not one of those people. But you can bet your bottom dollar I was jealous of them. I think about him daily, cry over losing him often and talk to him when everything is going wrong…or right, for that matter. But I have never been able to dream about him…until last night. I know that they say that you dream all night, every night..but you don’t always remember them. Set the record straight, its strange if I remember a dream. With that being said, I NEVER want to forget this one. Feel free to stop reading now. You are certainly not obligated to read about my dream, although if you do, feel free to interpret. Positive thoughts only though. 🙂
We were at a party of some sort, not really sure where, or who it was for, as far as that goes. I know that some of my family was there, but other friends’ families were there as well. I just remember walking in and Justin was on the couch. I know that my mind was instantly surprised to see him there, but not shocked. If that makes sense. His mom was there and she explained to me that he had been feeling better and his numbers were good so they let him come ‘home for the weekend, or maybe week depending.’ I sat down on the couch with them and Justin was telling me how he had to behave because they are watching him from the hospital. We were joking about how could they really see him. And Justin cleared his throat and cocked his head to motion for his foot. I looked down and there was a big round patch on the bottom of his foot. He said that they were monitoring everything. And for some reason, I found that hysterical. I remember just laughing at the way that he he motioned to this huge patch. For some reason I also remember noticing that he had wires of some sort running under his shirt. When he raised his arm I saw them in his sleeve.
It was just like any normal gathering, lots of people, good food, and everyone was just hanging out having a good time. I don’t remember everything, but I remember that we started in the living room and finally migrated to the yard. We were sitting on a picnic table watching Matt K and Matt J play Golf on the XBOX One outside. Few Random Notes..Justin’s sister is getting married in 3 weeks, he had never met her fiancee’. In the last 2 years though, ‘the boys’ and I have become close not only with Justin’s sister but ‘her Matt’ too. Last weekend, our friend Brock bought the XBOX One for Matt J, as a wedding gift. We were all just sitting around having a good time and chit chatting. I remember telling my cousin Nolan (whose family owns 2 golf courses) that Justin golfs more than him or any of his siblings! LoL
Not too long later, it was getting dark and Matt K. came over to me and was begging me to let just ‘take just one swing’ with the club. Why he was asking MY permission, I have no idea. But I was NOT about to give it. I was adamant that he was NOT to play at all. That even though I know that he wants to, we cant have something happen to him and have him ruin this time. I remember saying to Matt “We ONLY get one week with him, we cant mess it up!!’ And Matt just looked at me and got super sad and hugged me. Justins mom was standing in the background just watching us. I knew that he was going to cry and for some strange reason, I said to him ‘if you wanna rest your head on my shoulder you’re gonna have to bend down.’ LoL…Its often a joke that I am so short. So we went back over to where they were playing and just sat back down. I sat right next to Justin and was hugging him…but like holding him more than hugging. Like I was afraid to let go of him. The last thing I remember is sitting there holding him for a long time and rubbing his head. I was like playing with his hair and I noticed that it was shorter than normal, like he just got it cut.
When I woke up, I was laying there awake, but with my eyes open and I remember mentally being awake, but so happy that I didn’t want to open my eyes. Instantly though, I realized that I was dreaming, and that there was NO way that Justin had come back to us, even for just a weekend. I was so scared to open my eyes and have reality be real. The moment I opened my eyes and saw the clock…2:34…I knew that my dream was just that, a dream. I completely lost it. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I couldn’t stop myself from crying, and still tear up at the thought of the whole thing. I laid in bed for over an hour because I was terrified to go back to sleep and forget about the whole thing. It was so great to finally get his smile back, to hear his voice and feel the infectious happiness from his laugh. It was like, I can FEEL his hug from when we were sitting on that picnic table. It was amazing and awful at the same time. Definitely the most bittersweet that I have ever felt in my life. I have no idea what the dream means, but I know that the hour spent crying in bed this morning was absolutely worth the comfort that I felt when he hugged me in that dream.