The One About How I Got Here…

Before ya read this…check out Part One.

Well at this point, we’d had two babies..a Black Lab, Duke, who we tragically lost one weekend about a year and a half after we got him (which is a whole other, bitter, emotional story.) And Minnie, a teeny Yorkie-Pom who had already called dibs on the master bedroom in the new house.  🙂  Unfortunately though, we didn’t have any luck with ‘human’ babies yet. We had resigned to the fact that 2 rather than 3 babies would be perfectly fine, and we could still stick with our 30 year plan.

I think it was about year 6 where perfect started to get a little fuzzy.  G had started to work more, he joined the fire department and LOVED it, he was farming in the free moments that he had. I remember sitting at home ALOT alone. I filled my time with my new baking hobby or falling into the latest hit reality tv show. G loved what he was doing with the department and farming. We had met great friends because of this. But things weren’t quite perfect. We were spending less and less time together. I was going to be alone more nights than I was with G. I hated that part. I grew up in a house where my mom and dad were always together. I don’t remember a night ever where my dad strolled in at 1am unless he was on a job.

Winter of 2012, There were still no babies, and I think we had both finally resigned to the fact that there must be a reason for this. I hadn’t been on the pill since I was 21. And while we never spent a great deal of time charting and such, we never used protection. So it was time that we looked into it. Or I thought so anyways. Looking back, I think I may have been in survival mode. I was always terrified to have our fertility checked out of fear that there could be something wrong. I truly believe now, that I was so intent on having things checked because I thought I was losing G and maybe this would reel him back in. Maybe, just maybe, this doc could give us a ‘magic pill’ that would help. One that would give us both what we wanted so badly…One that would put our perfect marriage back together.

By Spring, we had been to the doc a couple times. Knew that there was no such thing as a magic pill. But after a few tests learned that there IS a pill that ‘could help.’ G was to take this pill once a day for 3 months. I was excited, this could be good. There was hope…except he seemed more distant than ever. He was literally never home and if he was, he was in the shower, or in bed or on the phone. I had shut down completely.  For a while I over did every thing–house was spotless, dinner was made every night, lunch ready for the next day.  Then I fell into some weird stage of depression, and I did nothing. Why should I cook if no one was there to eat it, why clean if I was the only one home. It was a scary place and I didn’t want to be there, so I just shut down. I figured things would get better.

I was wrong, it became clear that maybe I wasn’t the only girl in G’s life. it drove me crazy all day, every day. I found out he was calling her for hours at night. When he said that he was at the department, turns out he was hiding out on the phone with her. When I confronted him, he said that he was helping her to work through something with her ex. Since she and G worked together it was totally believable, right? … Who knew that at 28 I WOULD be that naïve.

June 5th I was the good wife. I went to the fire department and took part in an event. When I left, something felt off. Like before, I was just going to cry to myself and figure it out. Then the phone was my mom. I played cool, I was fine, no tears here.  She didn’t believe me. She asked me again what was wrong and finally, after months of hiding the fear and worry that G was cheating, after hiding the unhappiness and depression from her and everyone. The dam broke. I told her everything..well a short version. We talked for a long time, she said that I would be fine, that WE would be fine. To call her in the morning.

He came home at 2am…I had laid awake for the 4th night in a row shaking slept on his side of the bed waiting for him to get home. Hoping we could talk, work whatever this was out. He undressed, put on pj’s and sat next to me. I held his hands and told him that I want this to work, I need him in my life, I vowed forever and I meant it. He told me that marriage isn’t for him anymore, he wants the bed, the washer and dryer, the tv, his deer head and the house. He said that he thinks I should just give him these things because he deserves them. There were tons of words said after that, but it was a fog, a flurry of emotions, and a nightmare that I was sure had to end soon.

3 hours later, he was gone. Said that he had already talked to our friend and was going to stay with him. That was a lie. I talked to our friend and he had no idea what was going on. After I called him out on the lie, he did go to stay there. But I firmly believe he had every intention of staying with her that night.
Everything had changed. From that point, in my gut, I knew there was no ‘working it out.’  It wasn’t going to be okay.  My marriage was over.


2 thoughts on “The One About How I Got Here…

  1. This may not be my place to say this, and if I offend you let me say that I’m sorry, but that dude sounds like a serious asshole and you can do SO much better. Like, he puts the HO in DILHOLE. I’m glad that you are in a much better place now.

    • 🙂 HaHa Thanks so much, you are absolutely right. No offense taken. I have learned a lot about him as a person in the last year. And there are times that I sit here and wonder what in the heck I was thinking. But at the end of the day, everything happens for a reason and someday, it will all make sense. Until then, I will just take a little from each experience and try to make the most of it.

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